@--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- "Rejoice in the Lord always! I will say it again: Rejoice!" Phillipians 4:4 @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- The Coldest December By Aimee Chapter Five "I stand before the world on an open stage, Sometimes I feel so lost and small. A beam of colored light washes over me, I see my reaching shadow fall." ~Whiteheart "Whoa, Momma," was the delicate phrase I uttered upon entering Mamoru's humble abode. The place was ridiculously clean. The dusky, two-toned wallpaper was a little too perfectly matched with his handsome furniture, and I fought back the urge to ruthlessly scamper around his apartment with a bottle of chocolate syrup. I supposed I should have expected Mamoru's place to look like this--after all, the baka takes twenty minutes out of each day to organize his dayplanner--of course his apartment would be impeccably clean. As I continued to familiarize myself with my new surroundings, Mamoru stepped in behind me, fumbling with his keys and jacket. "Make yourself at home, Odango." "I don't think I can--I'm not sure if I blend with your decor," I retorted flippantly, still peeved with him for our spat in the car as well as his persistence usage of that pesky nickname. "Of course you don't," he replied, giving me a wink as he took my jacket. "That way, the room won't play down your stunning beauty." "If you're trying to make up for what you said in the car, it's not working," I deadpanned as I ran a finger across a picture frame to check for dust--I was satisfied to find a light sprinkling of it. Ah ha! So the baka wasn't perfect after all! "Can't blame me for trying," he commented with a shrug. "Can I get you something to drink? I think I have some of that fizzy sugar stuff you kids like." "Kid?" I scoffed, turning my nose up indignantly. "You're not exactly an old man, Mr. Chiba. And just because you live off of mineral water and tofu doesn't mean you have to mock what I enjoy." "Touche, my dear," he backed off, raising his hands in defeat. "Now, what can I get you?" "I'll have a glass of ice water. With *lemon,*" I requested primly, nose up, trying my best to sound grown-up. I wasn't going to let this 19-year-old jerk make me feel like a child--oh no. Still, I was secretly hoping that I actually *liked* water with lemon. It sure sounded dull... "As you wish," he replied, bowing his head sarcastically. He left the room momentarily, leaving me to myself. I took the opportunity to let out a brief sigh. I was miserable. My mood, which had started off relatively unpleasant, had not improved as the day progressed. If anything, I was growing more and more depressed with each passing moment. I hung my head miserably as I stood alone in Mamoru's hallway and blinked back the tears that had been welling up all day. How I wished I hadn't agreed to a tutoring session, but as much as I hated to admit it, I needed the help, especially with midterms coming up. There was no other option but to allow Mamoru to assist me. After all, it wasn't everyday that a 4.0 (not to mention good-looking) college student offered his services to a lowly high school freshman like me. I might as well take advantage of the opportunity. "Shall we get started?" Mamoru inquired, interrupting my thoughts as he entered the room. He handed me my drink, and I accepted it without interest. "After you," I answered with a dejected tone. He cast a concerned glance my way but said nothing. I avoided his gaze in fear that my own eyes would confirm all he suspected...namely, that I wanted to be anywhere but here. Relieved that Mamoru did not mention my dispirited mood, I followed him to the living room with my books in tow so that we could get started on our studying. On the way, I took a sip of my drink and, despite my ill humor, couldn't help but smile. It was very fizzy and very sugary...and it didn't taste one bit like lemon. @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- "So, in the English language, the comma is used to separate two independent clauses. Here's a good example..." Mamoru's words trailed off, and he sent a speculative glance my way. "Are you listening, Odango? I'm not saying all of this just to hear myself talk, you know." I swallowed hard and tugged at my sweater uncomfortably. I stared at the paragraph in my English book, but it was nothing but a blur to me. Mamoru was trying--really, really trying--to be patient with me, but I couldn't seem to focus on anything. I sat on the couch next to him, completely and utterly distracted and depressed. My mind had strayed countless times to all the things that had transpired throughout the week. I felt like crying, and I probably would have had Mamoru not been in the same room. I was cratering quickly, and a release of some sort would soon become necessary. "Gomen, Mamoru," I murmured quietly. "I'll try harder to focus." Mamoru tilted his head slightly to one side, peering at me through his reading glasses with that skeptic look he always seemed to wear. He closed my English book resolutely, and I looked at him with questioning eyes. Why had he stopped? I said that I would try to pay attention, didn't I? Was it my fault that I'd had the week from hell? Without another word, Mamoru set the forgotten textbook aside and calmly reached for me. Flashes of my attacker and that horrible night in the rain ran through my mind, and I pulled, almost violently, away from Mamoru, terrified at the thought of any man touching me. "What are you doing?!" I protested, quickly moving to the other side of the couch and away from him. "Stop it!" "Come here, Usagi," he requested gently, his eyes looking at me with compassion. My face told him how uncertain I was, as did my trembling figure. "Usagi-chan, you know that I would never hurt you... now come sit by me." He sounded so sincere. Could I trust him? There wasn't any real reason why I shouldn't... Mamoru held out his hand to me. I looked at it and swallowed hard. "Please?" he asked in a soft voice. Hesitantly, I reached out my hand to his. He never grabbed for me or reached for my hand as it slowly traveled toward his own. It was my own choice; he respected my decision. I began to grow emotional when his hand closed over mine in the softest caress. We sat there for a few seconds, and he allowed me to become comfortable with his touch. He squeezed my hand, gently beckoning me to his side. "Come on," he said, his voice sounding as if he was talking to a small child. I heeded his request and moved to sit beside him. His arms pulled me slowly into a hug, resting my cheek on his chest, but the tenseness of my body made it an awkward embrace. "Relax..." he whispered into my hair. I exhaled and allowed myself to sink into his arms. The pounding of my heart settled slowly into a normal pace, and my nerves began to calm. How warm he was. His chest was firm with just the right amount of softness. The thick sweatshirt he wore made the embrace even more comfortable; the fabric held the intoxicating scent of his cologne. As I noted each one of these things, I became more and more relaxed in his arms. "Tell me what's wrong," Mamoru requested gently. I swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears from overflowing. "I'm fine, Mamoru. Don't worry about me," I mumbled into his shirt, dismissing his request in hopes that the subject would be dropped. As much as I wanted to vent all of my problems and hurts, I still barely knew the man who was holding me. He couldn't possibly understand all that was going on in my heart. "You're not fine, and you know it. You've been on the brink of tears for the past hour. I'm worried about you, Usa," he murmured firmly but gently. I shivered at his new nickname for me; the endearment sounded so sweet and personal. His voice was deep, and I felt his chest vibrate softly with each syllable he spoke. I felt comfortable and safe with him, and I sank further into his arms, placing one of my own around him as he continued his quiet whispers. "I don't like seeing you with so much sadness in your eyes. I want to see your smile and hear your laughter again. I know that happy little girl is inside of you somewhere--we just need to get rid of all that hurt inside of you so she can come out again." I felt his gentle whispers more than I heard them. God knows I wanted to be free from the hurt inside me. My throat began to ache, and the tears stung my eyes. "Please tell me what's wrong, Usa." I tried to get out the words, but all I could manage was a pathetic, "I can't..." I trailed off as I gave a little sob. A few tears escaped from my clenched eyelids. I wiped them away quickly, ashamed that I was crying in front of Mamoru. "Quit trying to hold it all in," he whispered to me, capturing the hand that I used to wipe away my tears in his own hand. "You need to cry. Let it go." I didn't need any further persuasion; the tears came in earnest. The sobs were slow and painful at first--the sound of a broken spirit. They increased in intensity, as did my misery. I cried for a very long time, my thoughts dwelling on my many hurts: my attack, my lost final years of childhood that were stolen by the responsibilities of becoming Sailor Moon, my confusing relationship with Tuxedo Kamen, not to mention my peculiar but steadily blooming relationship with Mamoru. But most of all, I cried over my feelings of loneliness and desolation. The ache inside of me made me want to scream out in agony and frustration. And then there was Mamoru, who was so patiently and sweetly waiting till every last tear was shed. "It's all right," he whispered into my hair. "Everything's gonna be all right." Why on earth was he being so kind to me? I couldn't figure it out. I had sorely misjudged him; I took a few moments to cry over that as well, hugging Mamoru fiercely all the while. I felt his hands tangle in my hair, caressing the back of my neck gently. It was the first time he had touched me in a such a way, and I felt a shudder run through my body. It was a strange feeling, being in his arms, and I felt something inside of me that I hadn't expected to feel for Mamoru... Attraction. Somewhat afraid of what I was feeling, I pulled hesitantly away from his warm embrace and dried the slowing tears from my cheeks. Mamoru still kept his arms around me, and I didn't protest. Looking at him uncertainly, I began to wonder...was he feeling it to? I blushed when I saw that his sweatshirt was wet in areas from my tears. "Sorry about your shirt," I sniffled, cringing with embarrassment. "Don't worry about it," Mamoru remarked with a slight grin. "It's Motoki's." I laughed through my tears, enjoying the feel of his hand resting on the small of my back. I was warm and comfortable and felt completely safe. After a few moments of silence, Mamoru began to speak. "Do you wanna talk about it? It might make you feel better." I sighed and considered my options. What was the worst that could happen if I vented to Mamoru? He might laugh at me, but he always laughed at me, so there was really nothing to lose. Ah, what the hell... "It's a lot of things," I mumbled unhappily. "Everything has been going wrong lately..." "I'm listening," Mamoru assured me as he smoothed my hair away from my hot face. I tried not to look at him as I spoke for fear that he would realize how much I was enjoying his touch. "Well..." I began, taking a deep breath. "You know about...about the attack..." I shuddered, but his hands were quick to steady me. I glanced up at him uncertainly. "I'm still a little...scared sometimes." His eyes softened. "I've noticed." "But I guess probably the thing that's bothering me the most is that I...I feel so alone all the time." I felt his hand begin rubbing my back, gently coaxing me to continue. "Go on." "I know this how silly this must sound to you. I have so many wonderful friends, and I love my family. They take care of me--they always have, but I still feel alone. Empty." "Like part of you is missing?" I glanced up at him in surprise. "Exactly." "Don't you know, Usagi?" His voice was soft and gentle as he spoke. "God has someone special for you--someone who was made just for you to love. But you must be patient and wait for His perfect will. We all must." "You feel the void, too?" I asked, surprised that I was not alone in my feelings. "Everyday," he replied, giving me a sad smile as he ruffled my hair a bit. "So don't worry. Everything will turn out all right in the end. You'll see." I nodded, trying to accept his words. They made sense, but the void was still there, aching and pleading with me to fill it up. Could I really keep this up? Could I really keep waiting for something I didn't know for certain was out there? It was sure worth a try... "Do you feel better?" he inquired, bringing the back of his hand to my cheek to carefully wipe away any remaining trace of tears. My eyes drifted shut when his skin touched mine--his hands were so gentle. "A little," I replied, opening my eyes shyly. "Thanks for listening." He stared at me carefully for a few moments. "Tell me what you need from me, Usagi. What can I do to make all of this easier on you. I can't stand seeing you like this." I considered the question for a few moments, choosing my answer carefully. "I just need a friend... someone I can talk to." "I've always been your friend, Usa," he assured me, pulling me close for another long hug. "And I always will be--no matter how much I tease you." "Thank you, Mamoru-chan," I whispered softly, almost brokenly, trying to convey to him just how much his simple statement had meant to me. Mamoru lifted my chin up and said, "Smile for me." I gave him my best and smiled with surprising ease. "That's my girl," he beamed. "All right--now tell me honestly. Are you tired of studying?" "Yes," I responded without hesitation. "I'll let you off this time since you've had a rough day, but I expect you to study hard this week. Are we agreed?" he asked. I nodded furiously in response. "Tell you what," he continued. "I've got some hot chocolate in the kitchen--I can make us up some, and we can relax and talk a little bit." "Talk? About what?" "Well," he began, running a hand through his dark hair. "I've suddenly realized that I don't know you as well as I'd like to." "All right," I agreed with a smile (and a slight blush). "That sounds like fun." @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- In no time at all, Mamoru and I were comfortably talking in front of a roaring fire, intermittently sipping steaming mugs of a hot chocolate. He lay on his side in front of the fireplace, one arm underneath his head. His eyes were closed, and I honestly couldn't remember a time when he looked more peaceful or content. I sat next to him, my arms wrapped around my knees, and I took turns studying the flames and the man who lay next to me. Author's Note: Yes, you can have a fireplace in an apartment. I have one. ^_~ Mamoru and I had been playing a game for the past hour that had proved to be quite interesting and entertaining. But most of all, it was a wonderful way of getting to know each other. I would ask him a question, he would answer it, and vise versa. "Favorite color?" I inquired. "Black," he answered quickly. "Hmmm...I would have thought it would be green, what with that hideous jacket you wear all the time," I teased. "I'll have you know I'm quite fond of that jacket," he responded darkly. "So what's *your* favorite color, Odango?" "Light pink," I said dreamily. He cringed. "That's so...so...feminine." "Well, I am a girl, ya know," I argued flippantly. "I've noticed that," he said smoothly, winking at me mischievously. "Next question, Odango." "Favorite movie?" I inquired, taking a sip of my hot chocolate. "Let's see...I think it would have to be Disney's 'Sleeping Beauty.'" "Nani?!" I snickered, nearly choking on my drink. "You like Disney movies?" "What's wrong with that?" he asked, suddenly defensive. "Nothing--I just never pictured you as the type to enjoy a kid's flick," I explained, trying to imagine Mamoru being held spellbound by a cartoon. "Are you kidding?" he argued. "'Sleeping Beauty' is one of the greatest stories of all time. Think about it, Odango. A dedicated prince fights to bring back his princess, who has fallen asleep. Can you imagine what the prince must feel during the course of the story? Losing his princess, the most important person in his life--and when he finally finds her, she will not awaken from her dreamworld and rejoin him in reality?" I was slightly amused that Mamoru and I were having a serious discussion about the inner conflict and feelings of a Disney character. "The princess *does* wake up, you know," I chimed in, presenting my superior knowledge of the classic fairy tale. "All the prince had to do was kiss her--remember?" Mamoru chuckled lightly, opening his eyes to look at me with an expression I couldn't read. "If only everything in life was that easy." I watched in him silence for a few moments and sighed deeply. Mamoru's brow furrowed. "What wrong?" "You just...confuse me." "How so?" I hesitated, trying to choose my words carefully. "Sometimes you can be so sweet. Like now-- you're easy to talk to, understanding, caring. But then other times...well...you're..." "A jerk?" he chimed in with a phrase that was surprisingly accurate. I nodded thoughtfully. "Something like that-- yes. So why do you act like that?" "That's a silly question, Odango," he responded with a smile. "I just think you're absolutely adorable when you're angry." "You are so full of it!," I cried, blushing to the roots. "You harass me because you don't like me! I can see it in your eyes." "Is that right? I wasn't aware my eyes were so revealing," Mamoru teased...or was he flirting? Geez, why did the wretched man have to be so hard to read? "You can tell a lot from a person's eyes, ya know," I told him confidently. "And what do you see in mine?" I bit my lip, unsure if I should tell him what I really saw...what I had seen in them long ago. "Come on, Usa...what do you see?" "A little boy," I said quietly. Mamoru's smile faded, and his stormy eyes darkened a few shades as he gazed at me in silence. "What happened to your parents, Mamoru?" I asked hesitantly. His lips thinned. "What makes you think something happened?" I looked around his apartment. "No family pictures. No motherly touch. Nothing." He remained silent for a few moments, and his eyes closed once more. I instantly regretting bringing the subject up. I should have stuck with the simple questions... "We went for a ride when I was six years old," Mamoru began in a small voice. "They didn't come back." My eyes closed in denial. Of all the things I had expected to hear, that was the one thing I was afraid of. I had suspected as much and Andrew had alluded to it a few times, but I had never known for certain. Many things fell into place with Mamoru's simple statement--his coldness, his tendency to hold people at a distance--they made some sort of sense now. I opened my eyes to glance at him, and a lone tear slipped out. I reached out a shaky hand and traced a fingertip across a small scar on his chin, just below his lips, and watched as he flinched slightly. "Is that how you got this scar?" "Hai," he replied softly. "Mamoru-chan?" I asked after a long moment of silence. "Did I say something wrong? I didn't mean to pry...I'm so sorry..." "No, Usa--you don't have any reason to apologize," he assured me with a feeble attempt at a smile. "I'm doing fine on my own. I have a home. I have friends. I have... you." I blushed at his hesitant statement. "Hai, you do have me." I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him for a very long time. In all honesty, I couldn't get enough of being near him. He made me feel special. Pulling away a bit, I cupped his cheek with one hand and gently kissed the scar on his chin. His skin was warm and tasted vaguely of salt when I lightly touched it with my tongue. I glanced up shyly at Mamoru and whispered, "Your scar is gone now." He chuckled lightly...sadly. "Iie. It will never go away." Kissing the scar again, I answered firmly, "It's gone." How I became so brave was beyond me. Comforting him seemed so natural, and I was more than happy to do so. He gave me a sweet smile, and I practically melted at the sight. He took my hands and kissed both of my wrists gently. Then he cupped my face and placed a warm kiss on the bruise that was on my upper cheek. Afterward, he leaned his forehead over so that it rested on mine and whispered, "Your bruises--they're gone." I looked down to study my wrists and smiled. "So they are." @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- The walk back to my house was a comfortable one. We didn't say much, and I suppose we didn't have to. Not long after we'd left his apartment, Mamoru reached over to take my hand in his own, and I smiled as our fingers interlaced. His hands were quite large compared to my own hands. They were warm and compassionate--the type of hands that would protect the ones he loved. I had never remotely considered or imagined myself holding hands with Mamoru, but there I was, basking in each wonderful moment of that simple, romantic gesture. When we approached my house, he walked me to the door. "Thank you for helping me with my English," I said when we stepped onto the porch. "Even though we got a little distracted..." "It's my pleasure, Odango," he replied with a smile, but the smile was soon replaced with a more serious expression. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about, Usa--something personal," Mamoru began, taking both of my hands in his own and squeezing them gently. "Yes?" I breathed, finding it hard to speak with him touching me in such a way. "How can I say this?" he asked, a touch of laughter in his voice. "You're a delightful young lady, Usagi. I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight." "I had a nice time, too," I said softly-- almost shyly. "What I wanted to ask you is...would you like to do it again sometime?" "A-Are you asking me out on a date?" I stammered. "Something like that--yes," he responded with a hint of amusement in his tone. I blushed feverishly, unable to keep my smile hidden from his gaze. "I'd like that." "Tomorrow, then," he said, gathering me in up his arms for a hug. "I'll pick you up at ten, all right?" "Hai," I murmured, suddenly feeling very warm. There was that feeling again--the twist in my stomach, the shiver of nervousness that ran up my body, the warmth staining my cheeks with a blush. I couldn't understand how he could make me feel so strange with something as simple as a hug. Mamoru pulled away from the embrace slightly and looked into my eyes for one long moment; his face was a mask of seriousness. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair from my eyes and then moved to trace his fingertip across my cheek...then across my lips. "Usagi?" he asked softly. "May I kiss you?" My breath stilled, and I looked at him in hushed surprise. So there it was--the thing I'd wanted to hear for years. I'd never been kissed before, but I had many wonderful daydreams of that moment. I realized with a twist of nervousness that that moment had come--all I had to do was say yes. Only I found that I couldn't say anything, such was my nervousness. "I...you...but..." was all I could get out. Mamoru smiled in amusement. "I'll take that as a yes," he said as he slipped an arm around my waist gently and pulled me closer. I didn't protest. He cupped my cheek with his free hand, and I tilted my head up so that I could meet his gaze. He caressed my cheek thoughtfully for a moment before he leaned over and brought his face to mine. And then it happened. Something soft brushed across my lips in the lightest of caresses. His lips were warm and they kissed me with a gentleness and sincerity that I hadn't expected Mamoru possessed. Never had I dreamed that something could be so delightful...or so perfect. We parted, and I slowly opened my eyes to meet his. Even though the kiss had not been lengthy, my breath was ragged and I was trembling. Mamoru pulled my jacket around me tighter, mistaking my shaken state for shivering. "Sleep well, Usa," he told me, placing a warm kiss on my forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow." I nodded dumbly, still in complete shock and awe of the moment. I unlocked my front door with shaky hands, gave Mamoru a weak but sweet smile, and stepped inside. Leaning on the door after I had shut it, I closed my eyes and gently touched my lips, which were tingling delightfully. Never had I felt something as sweet or gentle as Mamoru's kiss. What a precious moment that had been. My first kiss. I was pulled out of my reverie, however, by the sounds of quiet sniffling. I opened my eyes to see my mother watching me, dabbing the corners of her eyes with a tissue. I found my voice in no time. "Mother! Were you watching us?!" She sniffled and gave a little nod. "That was so beautiful..." @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- I entered my room, feeling as though I was dancing on air. "Luna!" I exclaimed in excitement, plucking my adorable kitty from my bed and spinning her around dizzily. "You'll never guess who just asked me out on a date!" "Who?!" she practically demanded. It's a well-known fact that my kitty is overprotective. "Chiba Mamoru," I announced with pride. Luna stared at me blankly for a full 20 seconds before bursting into laughter. "Yes, and I'm the Pope. Now, come on and tell me the truth." "I am telling the truth," I argued, tearing through my closet in search of an appropriate outfit to wear tomorrow. "He happens to be madly in love with me." Luna was practically rolling with laughter. "H-He told you that?" she wheezed through her giggles. "Well...not exactly," I reconsidered, bringing a finger to my mouth thoughtfully. "But he'll tell me soon--I'm sure. Guess what he did, Luna?!" "Let me see...he called you Odango Atama?" Had I not been in such a wonderful mood, I might have made her sleep outside for that snide remark. "He kissed me," I announced dreamily. Amusement became full blown rage in exactly 2.4 seconds. "He what?!" Luna screeched. "I'll-I'll scratch his eyes out! I'll tear him to bits! No one touches my ward and gets away with it! NO ONE!!!" Despite the stream of threats and other unmentionables issuing from my guardian's mouth, I sat down by my window and sighed happily as I stared at the brilliant moon. My thoughts wandered to what Mamoru told me only a few hours ago--that there was someone special out there for me--someone God made and intended for me to love. A smile crossed my lips. Could it possibly be Mamoru-chan? @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- Write me! sailor_moon89@hotmail.com Stay tuned for chapter six...coming soon! Join the Moonlit Eclipse mailing list! You'll hear about new chapters! http://www.geocities.com/moonlit_eclipse/ Ja ne! Aimee-chan